


It hurts, but I won't fight you

by heavenisalibrary



Series: Tumblr Prompt Fills [26]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Mentions of Amy and Rory - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-24
Updated: 2015-04-24
Packaged: 2018-03-25 14:06:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3813367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heavenisalibrary/pseuds/heavenisalibrary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He’ll never forgive himself, even though he’d make the same decision a second time, and a third and a fourth. That’s nothing new, however. River, though. River might never forgive him. Maybe this will unravel everything. He wouldn’t even blame her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It hurts, but I won't fight you

**Author's Note:**

> prompt: “for there to be betrayal, there would have to have been trust first.” also for a prompt using this quote, it'd be awesome to see something where maybe amy is in danger and obviously this worries both river and the doctor and the doctor has to do something but he makes the wrong decision and something happens to amy and river knows it's not his fault but she can't help but see it that way for a while!

All he wants to do is disappear into the TARDIS and let her swallow him whole for a good, long while. He feels tired to his bones, even though he knows he won’t be able to sleep, and his shirt feels stiff where it’s stained with blood. When he leaves Amy and Rory at their townhouse, he kisses them both on the forehead and avoids their eyes — especially Amy’s, she’s always so hurt by him, he’s always a disappointment, never the hero she deserves and it  _guts_  him — and watches them go inside. _  
_

He should probably stay for a little while and look after them. They’d almost died, after all. But he can’t even bring himself to look at them, let alone speak to them, and his wife is waiting for him inside of the TARDIS. He pauses with his hand on the handle, letting his forehead fall against the wood a bit too hard and takes a deep, shaking breath. He’ll never forgive himself, even though he’d make the same decision a second time, and a third and a fourth. That’s nothing new, however. River, though. River might never forgive him. Maybe this will unravel everything. He wouldn’t even blame her.

When he finally summons the courage to open the door, he finds her leaning against the console with her arms crossed over her chest, staring at the ground. Her face is  _so_  angry — every line of her body is taut and hard, and she suddenly looks  _old_  to him, even though she’s near the beginning of their timelines. It strikes him that he hasn’t any idea how old she is at all. He doesn’t try to approach her, just stands by the door wringing his hands and feel vaguely like he’s going to throw up. When he reaches up to tug at his hair, his shirt crunches slightly, the dried blood on the sleeve of his shirt protesting to the movement.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” he says, finally.

She looks up at him sharply, and he takes a step back. “I think you’re the one who needs to explain himself, actually.”

“I…” he trails off, shaking his head. “I should think it’s all fairly self-evident.”

She’s across the room so fast he barely has time to backpedal toward the door, hitting it with his back as she slaps him.  _Hard_. She shoves at him, and when she goes to slap him again he catches her wrist.

“ _River_ ,” he says sharply, shoving her back slightly and stepping away from the wall. She’s shaking, and he wants to hold her, but he’s covered in blood and he thinks she’d probably bite him. “ _Stop_  it. It’s over, okay? It’s  _over_  —”

“But you  _did_  it,” River said, “you of all people should know that nothing’s ever truly over. You live in a bloody time machine — everything’s always happening for you, and because of you I have all of that in my head too — all of those timelines, all of those eventualities, all of the  _other choices you could’ve bloody made_  —”

"I couldn’t —”

She pounds a fist against his chest, and he stumbles backward again, losing his grip on her wrist as she slaps him again, and he grabs his cheek, hissing in pain and glaring at her.

“You  _could_  have — you could’ve done so many things — you could’ve  _talked_ it over with me, you could’ve waited and  _thought_  about it, you could’ve  _asked_  me —”

"There wasn’t —”

“ _Of course_  there were options, you  _stupid_  man —”

“There  _weren’t_  —”

"You did not have the right to make that decision.  _Who_  do you think you are? What’s  _wrong_ with you that you’d —”

"I DIDN’T HAVE A CHOICE,” he shouts, standing up abruptly and grabbing both of her hands when she lifts them to shove at him again, and they struggle against each other as he maneuvers her so that she’s the one pressed against the door. Her face is red and she’s shaking with rage and digging her nails into his hands where he holds her and he thinks she might spit on his face as he speaks. “I didn’t have a  _choice._ You of  _all_ people should understand  _that_. I  _love_  your parents, you bloody well know that —”

"Then what on earth —”

“Don’t be dense,” the Doctor says sharply, “I was either going to lose them or I was going to lose you. Don’t insult me by pretending you hadn’t realized that. I was going to lose them, or I was going to lose you, and I am  _overjoyed_  that you are  _all_  safe, but I can’t take back that decision. And I’d make it again and again and again.” _  
_

"You promised me once,” River says, “you promised me you’d protect them.”

“At your expense?” he says. “Don’t be stupid.”

“ _You promised me_ ,” she says, and she’s crying now, and he wants to collapse he’s so tired and so sorry. “You promised me you wouldn’t let anything take them from me again. And then you went ahead and almost killed them. I’d say you betrayed me, but honestly, for there to be betrayal, there would have to had been trust first.”

“River…" 

He stumbles backwards and falls to the ground as she shoves against him with all of her weight. He feels like she slapped him again, he feels like his skin stings all over, like he can’t stand to be in his own body any more. His Amelia and Rory the Roman, they’ve been with him for hundreds of years from his point of view, he loves them to pieces, he’d sacrifice anything for them  _except for River_. They understand — of course they do — and they’d have wanted their daughter to be his choice, too, but he can’t imagine it’s easy to know that your best friend would let you die — murder by omission — in a split second if the circumstances called for it. It was an ugly thing, an ugly part of him,  _but he would do it again_  — and now River was furious, might never forgive him, didn’t trust him — _  
_

"I’m sorry,” he says, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

“Would you take it back?”

“No,” he says, “I told you. I’d do it again. Every time. The same way.”

“That’s  _not your decision_.”

"But —”

“ _No_ ,” she shouts, “ _no_ , you  _do not get_  to decide things for me. You do not get to have that power. I have spent  _so many years_  existing for other people, doing things for other people’s purposes. I am what I am because it’s what other people needed — and I will not have  _anybody_ , least of all  _you_ , making those choices for me anymore. It is  _my_  life, Doctor. My parents. You do not get to decide what it’s worth.” _  
_

He scrubs a hand over his face — he doesn’t even remember when he started to cry — and it comes back looking rusty. He wonders what he looks like to her, covered in her parents’ blood and crying on the ground at her feet. Disgusting, probably. Pathetic. Evil.

“You’d do the same,” he says.

“That’s not the point,” she says.

“You really don’t trust me?”

“How could I, after this?” she says. “You promised me. And you lied.”

“I did it  _for_  you,” he says.

"Exactly,” she says. “Don’t you  _dare_  make decisions  _for_  me.  _Ever_.”

She punches in coordinates into her vortex manipulator, and she’s gone, leaving him alone on the floor of the TARDIS, with no idea how to make any of it better.


End file.
